My Life

Fat, Ugly, and Single

 

 

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Well, I’m not really ugly, but being fat makes me feel that way. Now before anyone comes for me, yes, I know I just had a baby 3 months ago and it does take a while to drop the pudge, however, I lost all my baby weight and gained some back, and still gaining. Mother eff!!!!

I’ve been single for a number of years (I won’t disclose the number because it’s embarrassing). Many of those years were by choice because I was going through depression, self loathing, and financial hardships. Basically, ya girl was a hot ass mess. Still somewhat am a mess but not like before. Now with my postpartum body, I’m feeling depressed. Is this considered PPD?

Anyway, I currently lack motivation to consistently workout. I’ll go for 3 days and then stop for a week. Then do it again. It’s like a never ending cycle. I want to lose the weight before school starts and it’s doable. I have a whole 5 weeks before school starts and would love to lose 20 lbs. Is that doable? Beats me. I’ve never been on a weight lose journey and stuck to it so who knows?

Being single has its ups and downs. Some days I want someone to go out with and take my son  and be a family. Other days I’m good with just Khai and me. It flip flops. Do I get lonely? No, but I do miss male attention and affection.

I always feel inferior to these women on social media who have the kind of body I want. They’re not necessarily skinny but their bodies are my body goals, just I want my body to be on a bit of a larger scale. Basically I want everything to stay the same but have the tummy of these women. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to these women and that a man will love me the way I am, however, I’m not wanting this for a man. I want it for me. I want to feel good based off of looking good.

I’ve always had body issues and then I evenetually got over them. Now that I have a child, I’m back to those same insecurities and I know this weight is due to growing a mini me, but it’s also due to stress eating. My diet is the other part. Yes, I’m vegan but you can be a fat vegan and unhealthy. I eat all the processed foods that I shouldn’t eat and I don’t cook like I used to. However, I need to get back to doing that before school starts or I’m shit out of luck.

Going back to work and doing all that walking will help shed the weight, but I have to have the diet to match. Starting tomorrow, no soy, severely limited vegan alternatives (less processed and soy free), lots more veggies and fruits, more smoothies, more exercise (yoga especially), and more getting my body right for myself and to be around for Khai.

As for the single part, I used to think that if I looked like these women on social media, I’d no longer be single. But hell majority of the women I want to look like are single. These gorgeous, beautiful women are living their best life and single and they’re all in their early 30s like me (well I’m not actually in my 30s but I will be in October).

Before you say, “Oh you’re still young, take your time, don’t rush,” that’s all cool and I actually agree with you. I’m barely 30 and have a lot of living to do. Why should I let the longing for a relationship overpower what all I want to do? I want to show Khai the world and be an awesome mom and have my dream career. Now granted, yes I know you can do all of that and be in a relationship, but I want it to just be me and Khai for right now.

Will the feeling of wanting to be in a relationship go away? Not likely, but I’m learning to be okay with it. Will I look like those women on social media? Not likely, but I’ll continue working on falling in love with myself and wanting to look like myself. Do I consider myself drop dead gorgeous? On a good day, yes, but most times no. I do believe I’m beautiful in my own way and I know there’s a man who will love me just for that.

Do you have insecurities in your singleness? If so, what are they and how do you plan to overcome them?

Health + Wellness

Breakthroughs

I have nothing against therapy, it’s just not something I can do right now, so I have my own form of therapy: yoga and journaling. In my last journal entry I was writing about the negativity I have been experiencing and that has been lurking in my mind as well as the almost unfortunate events it has caused and may cause. Negative thoughts that I created about scenarios that haven’t even happened and may never happen, have cause some negative events and levels of stress and anxiety. Malakhai and I were in almost 3 accidents this week. I realized that those were wake up calls.

At these moments I wasn’t thinking negative thoughts but I had been earlier those days. Is there a correlation? I’m not sure. But I’m realizing that this bubble of negativity stems from somewhere and I finally pinpointed the causes (I can’t disclose them because they involve people close to me and it’s super personal). Now that I’ve pinpointed those causes, I’m on a journey to figuring out how to stop those negative feelings and thoughts when they creep in.

I feel exhilarated right now because I’m finally cracking things open. Journaling is where I came to these conclusions. I’ll admit I do talk to myself and when I journal, it’s basically the same thing. I let my pen do the talking and as my thoughts flow onto the paper, I can see where an abundance of my issues lie. For some reason, seeing it on paper makes a world of difference.

Not all the time do I go back and read my entries, but lately I have been, just to see if maybe I mentioned something before that can trigger something in me or cause me to have an epiphany. I’m always looking for messages or just something in my entires to give me some idea of when this negativity started, why and how I can possibly fix it.

I will continue to journal because it’s extremely therapeutic. What are some ways you deal with things or work out your issues if you don’t go to therapy?

Short Stories

She Knows Who She Is


Single, 

Introverted,

Black,

Curly hair that defied gravity,

Sunkissed chocolatey skin,

Mile long legs,

Dangerous curves,

Honey sweet lips,

Soft, round breasts,

Brown, sultry, seductive eyes,

Voice of a Goddess,

Intellecutally inclined.

She is a Black woman.

She loved herself, now,

But it wasn’t always that simple.

Abused, 

hurt, 

promiscuous,

Self conscious, 

Doubtful,

Lustful,

Selfish,

Unloving,

Self destructive,

Standoffish,

Antisocial,

Bitter,

Lonely.

She has many scars

But they remind her of 

Where she came from,

And not to be stuck

In the past. 

But now,

She’s still not perfect,

But she knows who she is,

She is a Black woman.

Capable and worthy of love,

Passion,

Companionship,

Standards,

Forgiveness,

Reliability,

And everything she

Knows she deserves.

Why?

Because she knows 

Who she is.

Confident,

Faithful,

Trusting,

And able.

She knows who she is.