confessions

Confessions of a Single Mom #14: I’m Bitter

So yesterday was visitation day with Khai’s dad and of course my anxiety levels rose. I’m at the point now to where my disdain for him is dissipating to tolerable. One day it’ll get to a point to where I just don’t give a damn and oh how I am yearning for that day.

So today he brought with him two little boys. Per usual he didn’t speak when he came in but his wife did. So I asked who the little boys were and he said his “nephews, Malakhai’s cousins.” Now I know people have play nieces and nephews but this didn’t sound like that. Now I’ve met his sister’s (God rest her soul) kids and I know his brother doesn’t have any kids.

So I asked how were they his nephews. He said they’re on his wife’s side. Before I knew it I said, “So they’re not his real cousins.” (I don’t count step cousins as real cousins.) he ignored my statement, but I meant what I said. Call me bitter, but his wife is of no relation to my son and never will be. They can’t be real cousins because she’s not his real mother, she’s not even his mother at all.

I do hope to one day get to a point where I can let the fact of her being around my son and acting like his mother go, but today, right now, in this instance, I can’t. I haven’t reached that level of maturity yet in this coparenting thing. (Still in early stages.) I’ll be damned if another woman tries to step in and take my place. Yes, I know that no one can replace me, but I’ll be damned if I let someone try. You want to be someone’s mother, have your own kids. My son already has a mother and she’s me.

Don’t judge my pettiness. I haven’t started therapy yet. Maybe therapy will sweeten up the bitter taste I have.

confessions, Vegan Mommy Things

Confessions of a Single Mom #5: Co-parenting

Co-parenting is not always something that just works. You have to work at it. I know that I never thought I would have a child, and on top of that, if I did have a child, co-parenting was never a thought in my mind. I for sure thought I would be married if I ever had a child. Funny how the universe throws a wrench in your plans.

When I first found out I was pregnant, my son’s father as not onboard. He wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy or the baby after birth. Was I devastated? Shit yeah! I had just given up my career in China to stay in the US and be a mother. I felt it was selfish of him that I had to completely change my life and he was just going to go on about his as if nothing happened. I was pissed and heartbroken. Did I want to be in a relationship with him? Absolutely not, but I did want to have some sort of relationship when it came to our child. When I found out Boo was a boy, I knew that he needed to have his father, but I wasn’t going to press the matter.

We went my entire first trimester without speaking and that went well into my second. Midway through my second trimester, he suddenly had a change of heart. He came around more and was helping me out. He always asked if I needed anything. I was grateful, but leery of accepting that he was being genuine. I felt deeply that he had an ulterior motive. In the beginning he wanted a DNA test, but after Boo was born, he wasn’t as adamant about it. He still wants one but isn’t pressing it like he was. After all, Boo is the spitting image of him, just a lighter, cuter version, and he’s not denying that. Boo also looks like his father’s late sister, who was also a childhood friend of mine.

Co-parenting so far has been so-so. There have been phone hangups and heated conversations that lead to some days without speaking. With me being hormonal and he being the person he is, sometimes it’s like vinegar and water: we just don’t mix. He and I were never in a relationship, just physical. Now that we have a son, we are trying to at least be friendly for Boo’s sake. I know that not all co-parenting situations are like mine, some being better and some being the pits of hell, but for now, it’s somewhat working. I can only speak for seven weeks of co-parenting, for that’s how old Boo is. As he gets older, I’ll speak more on it.

One thing that motivates me to make this work is that I grew up with a father who didn’t want to be a father. He took care of me out of obligation, aka child support, and even then, he tried to weasel his way out of it any way that he could. I didn’t want that for my son. I don’t want that for my son. In some aspects, his father is a great role model and I know he’s going to be an amazing father. I love the way he loves our son and seeing them together warms my heart. I can’t wait to see their relationship grow, something that I will never understand with having an absent father. I guess that’s why it means so much to me that he’s around and is there for our son.

Now, granted, Boo is definitely not his father’s top priority and I won’t get into too much detail about that, but that is something that puts a strain on our relationship as his parents. It’s something that gravely pisses me off and I’m hoping one day his father will change that about him. As for me, being the primary parent, Boo is my top priority above any and everything else. I always think of him first, and if his father did the same, I think our relationship would be much better.

If you are co-parenting, what is your relationship like with the other parent? How is their relationship with your child?