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Confessions of a Single Mom #13: I’m Going to Therapy

Saturday was a tough day, a day that made me take the plunge and seek a therapist. On my way to visitation with Khai’s dad, I felt an anxiety attack coming on. I was able to make it through visitation (only lasted 45 minutes), and head home to practice yoga. The one time I really needed Malakhai to sleep so I could at least get 45 minutes in, he did. He slept two hours.

After yoga, I just sat in silence. It was deadly silent. I let my thoughts float away. I drank some ginger tea and ate some grapes, continuing to sit in silence. I felt renewed and my blood pressure started to come down. I felt like me again. It’s that very reason why my mental health needs to be taken care of, as well as my physical health.

I feel like they both go hand in hand. There’s so many ways that mental and physical health support your wellbeing. I’ve gotten back into yoga and I’m sticking with it this time, I have to. Yoga is the only exercise that makes me feel good and can ease whatever feelings I’m feeling that aren’t positive.

I went online through my insurance and found the perfect therapist that can cater to all of my mental health needs. She’s black, my age, has experience, has hours that fit my schedule, and I can afford her.

Have you been to a therapist? Did it help and if so, how? If you haven’t, how do you take care of your mental health?

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Stay Hydrated Sis: Benefits of Drinking Water

“I can’t drink plain water.”

“Water tastes nasty.”

“Water is boring.”

“Water has no flavor.”

I’m sure you’ve heard some of these before and I must say it does annoy me quite a bit. It’s funny how many people don’t consume even a quarter of the amount of water they need per day, despite their bodies being made up of over 70% water.

Not drinking water can cause a myriad of health problems. Dehydration sucks, and so does being in the hospital. Here are some benefits of drinking water that I’ve seen work myself:

  1. Clearer skin
  2. Think better to make the best decisions
  3. Clear urine (this one makes me happy)
  4. Reduced body odor
  5. Better lubrication for sex
  6. Aids in digestion and gut health
  7. Aids in weight loss
  8. Balance vaginal health
  9. Aids in oral health
  10. Lubricates brain to prevent headaches

These are just to name a few reasons as to why drinking water is important. An awesome app to track your water intake is Water Tracker. Do you drink enough water?

Health + Wellness

Yoga Makes Me Horny

Yes, you read that right. I’ve been practicing yoga for over 9 years and I have to say that after a 30-60 minute session, I’m ready to get it on and get it in. I’ve always wondered why and I finally decided to put Google to use and this article came up.

The Workout That Increases Your Sex Life

Yoga consists of many hip openers and stretches that open the entire body. For some who sit all day, aren’t getting any blood flowing in their pelvic region, which can stunt your libido.

For someone who is on a celibacy journey, having an increased libido is not easy, so I’m order to combat that, I’ve tried adding cardio to burn off that excess sexual energy. No such luck. Add to that, I’ve increased my veggie and fruit intake as well as adding protein smoothies.

Being vegan and practicing yoga puts your sex drive through the roof, but one of my goals this year was and is, no sexual activity of any kind. So I guess I’ll have to deal with it.

If you are a woman experiencing decreased libido, get in downward-facing dog so you can get in downward-facing dog. (See what I did there?)

Health + Wellness

Don’t Let the Smile Fool You

In the above pic, even though I’m smiling in all three, only one I’m actually happy in. That’s the one from 2018. The left two are from my freshman year in college. I was attending Stephen F. Austin State University. I was severely depressed. I was self medicating through alcohol and sex, tons and tons of sex with different men. I’m not ashamed of where I’ve been, because it has made me stronger and the person I am today.

During this time, I was trying to build a bond with my biological father who didn’t want to build a bond. I even went to this university to be closer to him. No such luck. Even though he lived 10 min away, I rarely saw him.

I only had one friend there and my roommates disliked me. I was alone. I begged my mom to let me transfer to the University of Houston over Christmas break, but she made me finish out the year. I don’t think she knew how desperate I was. Had she made me stay another year, I’d likely not be here writing this post.

I gained 60 lbs from indulging in food and alcohol. I didn’t workout and I stayed in my dorm room. I was experiencing life being on my own and not having any structure. It was devastating to say the least. You’d think I’d be glad to have gotten out of my parents house.

The following year I transferred to UH and things turned around. I had more structure, I was working out, lost the 60lbs I’d gained and I was with my friends from high school. I started therapy (and ended shortly after), I published my first book, was still having sex but not as much and not with nearly as many men.

Now, in 2019, I’m a completely different person. Have you ever suffered from depression? What caused it and how did you get through it, or are you still going through it?

All Black Everything

Why do Black Men feel so entitled?

I already know I’m going to catch heat behind this, but I don’t care. I’m only speaking from personal experience so clearly I don’t men all black men. I’m going to preface this article by giving a little back story.

This guy I went to school with has been after me for years, roughly 17 years to be exact. I was never interested in him and once we graduated high school, we parted ways. Thank goodness. However, it seems year after year he seeks me out on social media (not that I’m hard to find).

So about 2-3 years ago, I made the stupid mistake of finally sleeping with him. He’s been hounding me ever since, wanting to be with me. He’s a very aggressive person and I honestly didn’t and don’t feel safe in his presence because he tries to pressure me to have sex.

The last time I saw him was in 2017 at my ten year class reunion. We said “hey” in passing and of course he later on hit me up wanting to come over and I said “no”. We had a huge argument and again, parted ways. He hit me up last year and I was still not interested because I had just had a baby.

Let’s go back a couple of days and he messages me asking did I miss him. I was honest and said I hadn’t thought about him and I hadn’t. I have a child. I’m not thinking about any past men at this moment.

So then he asked why I didn’t want to “fuck with” him. That is where the conversation took a turn for the worst. As a grown ass man, that is not something you should be asking a woman and for certain not in that manner. I explained to him that he wasn’t the kind of man I wanted around my son, nor the kind of man I would want my son to look up to.

He of course was offended and said he’ll talk to me again when my son is old enough to understand what a role model is. I told him don’t bother. So he proceeds to comment on my breasts and I asked him to refrain from that. He asked why and I asked him if I told him to not touch me, would he ask the same question. He said since we had already slept together that would be weird for me to say no.

Pause. Only a rapist would say that because that’s rapist mentality. How dare you tell me that if I tell you not to touch me, that you should still be able to? What right do you have? You still have to have my permission rah and every time you want to touch me. I am not your possession. He then told me to grow up and I blocked him.

Now to my point. What is it that makes some black men feel entitled to do as they want to black men? What makes you entitled to date me, touch me, make me talk to you? Since when do you own women? Like the man who killed the woman because she didn’t want to dance with him, or men who call women “stuck up bitches” when they cat call and a woman turns her nose up, or say that she’s “ugly anyway?”

Where does this sense of entitlement come from? I’ll be damned if Malakhai grows up and thinks that he’s entitled to any woman he wants and she has to submit. Fuck that. If a woman says no then dammit she means no and vice versa. There are women too who feel entitled to men.

This topic also comes in loo of the documentary Surviving R. Kelly. He is the largest entitled piece of shit excuse of a man and I feel like some other black men are taking after him, thinking it’ll work for them.

Could it come from past sexual abuse? Lack of a father figure? How they grew up and seeing their father’s or, mother’s boyfriends, doing the same thing? Past relationships with submissive women?

If you are a black man reading this post, please give me some insight as to where some of your fellow specimen get this notion that every woman has to be with them. Also, why aren’t we holding these men accountable?

confessions

Confessions of a Single Mom #12: I’m Tired of being a Mom

Do y’all have those days where you aren’t feeling too well and all you want to do is rest? You don’t feel like being bothered? Or those days when you’re sick with a cold and bed rest is recommended? However, you still have to take care of your child(ren) regardless of all the above? Saturday was one of those days for me.

I woke up that morning not feeling too well. Malakhai hadn’t slept too well the night before, so I didn’t sleep too well either. I woke up with a headache and my body was hurting. Despite that, I still went ahead and went to Soul Food Vegan for the grand opening. Big mistake.

On the way there, my stomach was severely hurting and cramping. I felt nauseous and my headache hadn’t subsided. After leaving, I felt much worse. My stomach was bloated and I had really bad gas. I was still also cramping.

When I got home, I put Malakhai down for a nap and ended up taking one myself. I woke up after almost 3 hours, more nauseous than before, stomach hurting and head banging. Malakhai then woke up and wanted to be all over me, but I just had to keep pushing him away. He was pressing on my stomach and made me throw up on of the times. He was fussy and that was understandable because he wanted me. Even nursing made me nauseous.

Eventually, it was time for him to go down for the night and that took two hours. In the midst of putting him to sleep, I made some ginger tea to settle my stomach and ate some toast. Mind you I hadn’t eaten since one and it was now 9.

I really was feeling terrible and I didn’t want to be a mom that day. I felt so guilty. It’s times like this where being a single parent is difficult because when you’re sick, you still have to be a parent. Sure, I could’ve dropped him off at my mom’s house and picked him up the next day, but he hasn’t spent the night anywhere without me.

I say this to say, it’s okay to sometimes feel like not being a parent. We all have those moments, but they do pass.

When have you ever felt like not being a parent?

Uncategorized

Soul Food Vegan, for the Culture

I had been waiting for this day for over a year y’all! The first vegan soul food place in Houston, Texas, and what better place to put it than in 3rd ward on Emancipation Ave.? The grand opening was at 12, but was pushed to 12:30. I was the fourth person in line. As I was about to place my order, I saw the line go around the building and down the street. When I say the community showed up, we showed up.

I ordered the Soul Food Vegan Platter (cauliflower steak, greens, mac n cheese, and dirty rice), strawberry watermelon sea moss lemonade and a brownie. When I say it did not disappoint. The flavors were rich. Honestly, all that was missing was some cornbread.

The restaurant itself is quaint and not really a place to gather with a large group, however, Emancipation Park is directly across the street, so you can get your food to go and eat in the park. Service was friendly and fast. The place was clean and there was ample parking. For me, besides the food and service, parking is always my biggest thing. If there isn’t convenient parking, I’m less likely to return. I got there early so I was able to park in front of the door.

This restaurant is something that is needed, especially in the community that it’s located. I love that so many of us showed up and wanted to eat vegan food. Just because it’s vegan, doesn’t mean it doesn’t taste good. I’m hoping that people left there and wanted to change their lifestyles. If I wasn’t already vegan, I believe they would’ve converted me because that food tastes like the food I grew up on.

If you live in Houston and the surrounding areas, or you’re visiting, stop by 2901 Emancipation Ave and get you some vegan soul food.

My Life

5 Reasons I Won’t Be Buying A House in 2019

So, my biggest goal this year was to buy a house. I set this goal in the middle of last year. After talking to a friend who is a financial consultant and listening to the latest podcast on Experiencing Motherhood Single and Black, it seems that buying a house just isn’t logical right now. Here are a few reasons why:

  1. I haven’t saved enough money for a down payment. Yeah, I was banking on using my income tax, but at the same time, I have debts to pay and bills that are due now.
  2. I don’t have the money to furnish a house. Not only would I need a down payment, I would need money to buy the things that go inside the house.
  3. Maintenance costs, cost, which again, I don’t have the money for. In an apartment, maintenance is already covered in the rent. In a house, you’re on your own, even with home buyer’s insurance.
  4. My credit score isn’t where I want it to be. Yeah, it’s better than good enough to get a loan and a good interest rate, but my debt to income ratio is not at all appealing to lenders.
  5. I decided I really need to focus on paying off debts and not adding on debts. Two of my other goals for the year was is to pay off my CC and personal loan. I need to start with small milestones.

As you can see, clearly I am not ready to buy a home and I’m glad I hadn’t gone to view any homes or started the home buying process. Once I get my debts down and my income to debt ratio is better than superb, I will revisit this. Until then, I’ll be kicking debts ass.

My Life

No New Friends? Drake Got It Wrong

Raise your hand if you have the same friends you grew up with. Anyone? Yeah, you’re not alone. Many people can’t say that their childhood friends are still their friends, and those who can, well, they’re far and few in between. As we grow and mature (some of us anyway), so do our needs from friendships.

From my childhood, and I wouldn’t even say childhood, from high school, I still have one friend. As for best friends, well, don’t have them anymore. As I’ve gotten older and entered my 30s, I’ve realized that my needs have changed when it comes to friendships.

As kids, we just wanted friends to have someone to like us. As adults, we need loyalty, someone who can help us grow, a go-getter, someone on the same page as far as goals, basically someone who matches us or is at least a step ahead knnthe direction that we’re going. If this person can’t improve my life, there’s no need for them to be there, and vice versa.

This too reigns true for romantic relationships. Forget bringing something to the table, if we both can’t be the damn table, it’s not going to work. I don’t work off of 50-50. It’s 100-100. Period.

I’ve also noticed that my reasons for old friendships still baffle me. Some people that I used to be friends with, for the life of me I can’t remember why. Do you remember why you were friends with someone you’re no longer friend with? Don’t worry, I’ll wait (not really, but you can post your response in the comments).

How has your requirements for friends changed? Do you still have some of the same friends from your childhood?

Vegan Mommy Things

MyGym @ Atascocita

Saturday, Malakhai and I went to a class at MyGym. It’s a little gym for our tiny humans. There were about six other little tykes there. We began with some warm ups then stretches with out minis. Afterwards, we had free time to roam around the gym and enjoy all that they had. There were slides, a ball pit, a parachute ride down a ramp, swings and so much more. Towards the end, there’s what’s called separation time where the parents leave the kids in the circle to play with toys and each other. Malakhai did so well!

I’m going to see if I can work MyGym into my budget. It’s only $82 a month which is awesome and we would be going every week. It’s worth the investment. I bonded with two other moms there and it’s a great way for Malakhai to meet other kiddos outside of daycare. If you have a MyGym near you, I highly suggest it. The first class is always free.

Playing in the circus!
Doing a flip on the bar. Of course he cried.
He didn’t too much like the ball pit.
He seemed to like one of the teachers.
Clearly he loved the swing.
He did not like the parachute ride lol.
Separation time.
He did amazingly well!
Just chillin!
Vegan Mommy Things

Sensory Time: DIY Paint

So, Malakhai has reached that age that he wants to touch any and everything. I open the fridge, he has to touch everything in the door. Anything I have in my hand, he has to touch. I figured it was time to start some sensory activities, and I can’t wait to continue this series.

I wanted to start with painting but I didn’t want to use actual paint because it’s toxic and he’s at that age where everything goes in his mouth. I wanted to make something that I knew I wouldn’t care if he ate it. I chose vegan vanilla yogurt. I got just a small cup and I split it between two containers: one for red and one for blue, although they came out a pinkish red and purple.

1 container of vegan vanilla yogurt, strawberries, blueberries, clothes you don’t mind messing up, and a fun attitude

I squeezed 3 strawberries in one container and stirred it with a spoon. In the other, I tried mashing blueberries, but they weren’t juicy like I expected. So, I took a handful and put them in a small pot. I added water just to cover and let them boil until they popped. This made the water a dark blue. I poured that in the other container of yogurt. It actually turned out purple but oh well.

I tried getting Malakhai to paint on paper but he just wanted to rip it up, so I poured some paint on the towel between his legs and let him have at it. He rubbed his hands and feet in it. It was a new feeling for him and he thoroughly enjoyed it. He even decided to paint me as well. Here are some pictures from our painting session.

Health + Wellness

Open and Fearless

I’ve never been the one to do the whole “words for the year” thing. It just wasn’t me. Still isn’t. I’m all about manifesting this year and I want to manifest openness and fearlessness. I’m going to be open about just about any and everything in order to not close off any opportunities, relationships, career advancements, anything. Nothing is off limits. But in order to be open, I have to be fearless.

Fearfulness causes you to be afraid and closed off to anything new and positive changes. In order to manifest, you have to feel and say what you want with no hesitation, stipulations, or conditions. For me, I have to let the fear of rejection, failure, and not being enough, die. No more living in the past and going off of past experiences. All of that last fear is going to interfere with future endeavors.

What are you manifesting this year, or do you have word(s) of the year that you want to work on?

My Life

10 Things I’m Leaving Behind in 2018

Thinking back on all that 2018 has brought me, good and bad, there are some things that I want to leave behind.

  1. Letting people and there toxicity effect me. Too often do I continue to give people chances whether they be friends or family, and I have to stop that. It doesn’t matter who you are, your toxicity is no longer welcome and is not conducive to my wellbeing.
  2. Anger from past hurt. I’ve been hurt more times than I can count, and I have continued to hang on to it. The problem with that is I believe it effects my thinking, my emotions, and being an effective communicator. When someone upsets me, the first emotion I go to is anger and my reaction comes off that way. What I want to try is breathing before responding. Let the anger have a chance to come and then dissipate.
  3. Thinking that I will always fail in everything I do, that I can’t succeed. This is why I often start something and then quit. If I don’t see immediate results, what’s the point? This pertains to exercising to lose weight, eating habits, novels, my blog, youtube, past jobs, relationships. I tend to never stick with something because I’m always thinking about the little failures, which honestly could be leading up to huge success. Motherhood is the onot thing that I can’t quit, even if I feel like I may fail him at times, it’s not optional.
  4. Negative self thoughts tend to control every move I make, especially when it comes to dealing with men. It’s sad that when a man flirts with me, I don’t see him as flirting because I’m thinking, “Who would want to flirt with me?” I’m sure I’ve passed up potential future husbands over this past year and because of my negative thoughts about myself, they just moved on. I have to do better with how I view myself. Hopefully therapy will work.
  5. Feeling sorry for myself is probably the most detrimental thing to my mental and emotional health. As someone who can’t stand when a person feels sorry for themselves, I have often felt that way and it’s not okay. Why should I pity myself? I have a lot going for myself to just be sitting there wallowing in my own sorrows. Girl, good-fucking-bye. Brush the shit off and keep it moving.
  6. Keeping thoughts and emotions to myself has been so easy, but it’s just building inside me. I am going to quit that bad habit and start opening up to people when they do or say something that they shouldn’t. I too often let things slide but not anymore. I will no longer let others have control over my mental and emotional health.
  7. Laziness comes and goes depending on what the task is. I want to leave this behind because laziness in one area of my life, can trickle over into other areas and being a mom, you really don’t have time to be lazy. I’ve been lazy with my blog, publishing material that really wasn’t thought out or planned. I just posted something just to post it, and this goes for social media too. I’ve had days where I stayed in bed all day and did nothing but watch Malakhai play, when we could’ve been out and about, playing at a park or MyGym. I’ve been too lazy to record, edit and post videos, frequently telling myself I’ll do it the next day, and the next day, and the next day until finally, it doesn’t happen. Laziness, be gone.
  8. I tend to listen to a lot of ratchet music, and when I say a lot, I mean a lot. I especially listen to it in the car on my way to work, which I shouldn’t because I find ratchet music doesn’t put me in the best of moods. I also listen to it with Malakhai in the car and that will no longer happen. I’m leaving all that ratchetness, well most of it, not all, in 2018, and focus more on listening to podcasts in the car. I find that podcasts are extremely helpful. (I’ll be doing a separate post about my favorite podcasts.)
  9. Masturbating has taken a toll on me. When orgasming, you lose pieces of yourself. If you ever notice it’s like this energy washes over you and then disappears. I’ve been celibate from actual sex for 6 months and I want to be completely celibate. So, I’m leaving masturbating behind. If I give too much of myself to myself, what will I give my future husband?
  10. Finally, I’m leaving behind everything else that needs to stay in 2018. There’s so many things that I just want to leave and will be left. This month I’ll be focusing on getting rid of things in my home that no longer has value to me. I feel like holding on to things year after year is just letting the past keep its hold on you. I want to wrangle out of its grasps and move forward with my life.

What are some things you are leaving behind in 2018?

My Life

Goals for 2019

1. Buy a house

2. Stay consistent

3. Get out more

4. Stick to a $0 based budget

5. Plan in my planner for my quarterly goals

6. Lose 30 lbs

7. Pay down debt

8. Be more open to a friendship with a male

9. Execute all projects that are planned for the year

10. Work full time for myself

11. Travel at least once in or out of country

12. Work on my mental health – therapy

13. Let go of things that I can’t change

14. Save money for my emergency fund

15. Journal everyday

16. Exercise at least 3 times a week

17. Grow my mom tribe

18. Build self confidence

19. Fall deeper in love with myself

20. Be an amazing mother in all the things that I do

21. Read a book a month

Uncategorized

Shop is Open!!!

So, a few months ago I upgraded my site tot the business plan because I knew that I wanted this to be more than just a blog. I want people to be able to obtain resources and get services for all things book related.

At first, I was like yeah, this is going to be easy. I am going to just upload all my services and products and it’ll be ready. Wrong. It’s actually a little time consuming to be honest, but it’s worth it.

“Nothing successful comes easy, nor without hard work.”

So far, I have available my staple foods list, book services, and two of my novels. I will be adding more to the shop over the next few days, as currently I am exhausted. I’m doing everything from my phone while taking care of a sick 8-month-old. Bear with me.

Take a look around my shop and let me know if you have any questions!

Vegan Mommy Things

Will He Hate Me?

This thought has run through my head time and time again, sometimes all day. When Malakhai gets older, will he hate me?

If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you know that Khai’s dad and I don’t have the best relationship. In fact, we don’t have a relationship at all. We don’t coparent. I won’t get into all of the reasons why, but I always wonder of when Khai becomes old enough to understand, will he blame me for the lack of coparentship his father and I have.

Granted I will tell him the truth of everything, but will he forgive me? Will his father and his father’s wife say things about me to make it hard for him to believe me?

I always think about these things because if Khai ever resented me, I don’t think I could handle that. Granted as I grew older, I came to my own conclusion about my biological father and I’m hoping to do the same with Khai, let him see for himself.

If you are in a similar situation with your child’s other parent, how are you coping? Are your kids old enough to understand? How are they handling it?

Vegan Mommy Things

Narcissism

Dealing with a narcissist is probably one of the hardest things to do if you don’t know how to handle them. My son’s father is a narcissist. He’s very controlling and demanding. He wants everything to go his way or no way. Well, the thing is, he has yet to control me.

Sometimes dealing with him aggravated me, but I have to take a deep breath and then react in a way that he least expects. Narcissistic people tend to want to get you riled up. It fuels their behavior. The best way to deal with them is to react the opposite of what they want.

I’ll give you some examples. My son’s father, let’s call him Tyrone (I know right?). Tyrone likes to give me a deadline of when something needs to be done and usually he wants whatever it is done that day. Me being the petty person I am, depending on level of importance, I’ll do it a day, or two, or three, hell even a week later. I’m a grown ass woman. Nobody demands anything from me aside from my son. He can make demands from his wife and our son, but not from me. I bow down to no one.

Another example is when he gives me ultimatums. First of all, if you know me, you know I don’t take well to being required to make a choice. He gives me a choice of A or B and I take F. This is how our “relationship” has been for quite some time.

Narcissistic people get gratification from everything being centered around them and everyone doing what they want, how they want, and when they want. I can’t see myself letting someone try to belittle me that way.

Always meet narcissism with pettiness. That’s the only way to combat it. I could just not deal with him at all, but that would be me hurting my son and I’m not willing to do that. Yeah, my son is young, but I’m just not willing to start a habit that continues on to when he does understand and then I’m the bad guy.

Have you dealt with a narcissistic person? If so, how did you handle them?

My Life

Holiday Season

So today is Christmas Day and even though I’m not a celebratory person, I still get with family and enjoy their company. This will be the first holiday season for my son and my family is super excited about giving him gifts. I on the other hand, not so much.

We live in 661 sq ft and there’s barely room for us both, so lots of toys and clothes will take us to the rim. Trying to dictate (only word I can think of) on what to get him hasn’t faired well. So, I digressed.

I bought him a few things, which you can see here.

Having these next two weeks off is going to be great because I get to wake up and lay and bed with my mini each and every morning. I also get to spend time with him. I’m also going to be working my side hustle to save up money for a deep cleaning at the dentist and court fees.

How do you celebrate the holidays?

Uncategorized

I Gotta Baby, I Need Some Money

So I was sitting in the dentist’s office scrolling through Instagram, and low and behold I see a post from Cardi B. Her new video for “Money” dropped. I quickly go to my YouTube app and search for the video. After watching it, my first thought was, “Did you expect anything less?” And I mean that in the most respectful way. 

I have so much respect for her simply because she does not try to be anything that she’s not. She’s not fake and she’s humble about where she came from, from being a stripper, dancing in the club, to still using her skills to make money today. She always talks about when she was a dancer and is still proud of it. She’s also apart of the Bloods gang. She appreciates everything that she has gone through and done because it has gotten her to where she is today.

I honestly imagined her video would be raunchy with class. She filmed it in a bank and a strip c!ub. She also showcases her skills on the stripper pole and dancing. That’s who she is and she’s humble about it. She’s not ashamed of where she came from, because if it wasn’t for that, I don’t think she’d be rapping today.

What gave me the biggest respect about her video is seeing her breastfeeding her child. Many people made the comment that that wasn’t actually her baby, however, I think those parts were shot when Kulture was first born. Regardless, from one breastfeeding mom to another, hats off to her.

She takes pride in being a mother and I honestly think that’s why she hasn’t taken Offset back. I also don’t blame her. She has a baby and a booming career. She doesn’t have time for the constant public humiliation. She is the epitome of a hardworking mother and I can only giver her props for it.

I know many people after seeing the video called her a ho. Do you think she’s bothered? She has capitalized on what many call “hoish” ways and behavior. Also, Cardi doesn’t give a fuck about what people think of her as long as she’s still getting them coins.

What did y’all think of her video?

My Life

What’s Happening in 2019

The new year is upon us and already I have started working on some big things that will be executed in the new year. I am also making some life changes beginning in January. Here are a few changes and things I am working on.

  1. I will begin counseling in January. I say January because that’s when my new insurance plans becomes effective. Therapy is something that I should’ve been started, but being that I am on a financial journey, I cannot afford therapy. With the new insurance plan, I receive several free sessions per issue, and I have plenty of issues.
  2. I have a huge project that I have been working on that may premiere mid-spring. It has been a long time coming and I am super excited about it. I won’t reveal what it us yet until mid-January to early-February. Don’t want to jump the gun and it doesn’t come out when expected.
  3. I haven’t had motivation nor the energy to practice yoga, but that is a part of my life that means a lot. Yoga has always been a love of mine and since giving birth, I have let it fall by the wayside. I don’t want to become a yoga teacher or this Instagram yoga chick. I want to improve my practice and really learn to meditate.
  4. I am letting go of all negative people, including my son’s father. I don’t have time for his shit anymore. I will be doing me like I have been and rejecting all negative vibes from him. Neither I nor my son need that. 
  5. Of course I plan to continue my debt free journey and my payments begin in January for my student loans. I have been putting them off for far too long (7 years to be exact). I could kick myself. Had I stuck with paying them like I initially was, I would be student loan debt free by now. You live and you learn.
  6. Mommy meetups are a must. I am thinking of joining MyGym with Malakhai in order to meet more moms and for him to have more friends. I think that will be good for the both of us.
  7. Consistency is my biggest struggle, as well as commitment. I will strive to be more consistent with YouTube, my blog, going live on IG, and all other ventures that I am involved in when it comes to growing my entrepreneurial dream.

As of right now, that is all I have planned for 2019. In my last post of the year, it is a more in depth look at what I have coming. So be on the look out for that post on December 31.

What do you have coming up in the new year?

My Life

30 Blogs in 30 Days…Completed

I can’t believe it! I wrote and posted 30 blogs for the entire month of November!!!!! Woooohoooo!! And it sucks because I’m in bed. I took off work because I was vomiting all morning (meal prep spoiled). Clearly I need to eat meals that may spoil, earlier in the week than later.

Anyway, I can’t believe I put myself to a challenge. I have another challenge that I’m going to work on for the month of December: 31 videos in 31 days. You read that right. My plan is to record, edit and upload 31 videos for the month of December, to my YouTube channel. So that means I have to start tomorrow right? Right!

This will be a little more challenging because it requires more effort and work than writing blog posts. I can knock out and schedule blog posts like I have been (except for this one, which I am currently writing and about to publish.

Do you think I can do it? I accept this challenge and I’m going in with confidence and excitement. Let’s knock out the rest of 2018 with a bang.

My Life

I’m Back YouTube!!

I took a long (initially permanent) vacay from YouTube but now I’m back!! I’m back for several reasons but I’m only going to explain a few.

1. Editing. Shockingly, I miss editing videos in iMovie. IGTV wasn’t cutting it for me because you couldn’t really edit videos and you could only upload a video in IG story format (like the video had to be the length of the screen basically (I forget what it’s called)).

2. Length. With IGTV, you’re limited to only ten minutes. Sometimes my topics go over ten minutes and I really don’t want to make two or more videos to fully explain my topic. I’d prefer making one video, no matter how long it is.

3. Monetization. It seems shallow but it’s true. I do want the monetization feature. Though I don’t have 1,000 subscribers nor do I have 4,000 watch time minutes, I will get there. I aim for YouTube to be a side hustle turned part time gig on side of blogging. I want to be able to work from home doing something that I love.

4. I just like it. I’ve been gone for so long and you know how people say, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” It’s one of those type of ordeals. I’ve been away from uploading for months and now I miss it.

So, with that being said, I’m back!!

Vegan Mommy Things

Missing You…

One thing about my mom having been watching Boo is I received numerous pics and videos throughout the day. Now that he’s in daycare, I miss that. I feel like I miss him even more because I don’t get those updates (well, I do now).

Today was hard. I was super emotional (no I’m not on my period) and felt like crying all day. All I wanted was to hold my baby in my arms. I just love my little boy so much.

The best part of my day is when I go to pick him up from my moms house (she gets him from daycare) and he is about to jump out her arms because he’s so happy to see me. I honestly think I’m always more happy to see him than he is to see me, but you probably wouldn’t be able to tell.

I know daycare is great to build a child’s social skills and for them to become more independent, however, I feel like he’s moving too fast or I’m moving too slow. I’m not ready to let go of him always needing me.

How have you been able to cope with your child(ren) growing older?

Vegan Mommy Things

Broccoli and Farts

You may or may not know that I’m vegan. I’ve been vegan 5 years now and I consume the hell out of fruits and veggies. Since having Khai, I’ve revamped the way I’ve been eating specifically to cater to his nutritional needs. Little did I know, some foods make him gassy, the kind of gas that can make you want to vomit.

For such a tiny human he sure let’s off rounds of carbon dioxide. One food in particular that makes him super gassy is broccoli (which also makes me gassy so idk why I eat it. It’s also a hybrid food).  Needless to say, after this week (because I’m not one to throw food away) I will not consume it until after he stops breastfeeding.

If you breastfed your child(ren), what are some foods you had to cut out?

My Life, Vegan Mommy Things

Daycare

Today my son started daycare. He was supposed tos tart awhile ago, but I wasn’t ready. I never wanted him to go to daycare, but he needs social skills now that he’s getting older. He’s becoming more mobile and talkative (baby talk that is). Luckily, his daycare is owned by a friend of the family (it’s a long story but there’s much history).

My mom drops him off and picks him up since I work late and have to be at work early. I also work clear across town, so her doing that for me helps a ton.

He had a good time and I received a great report. He refused to eat his baby food, only drank the breast milk. He just doesn’t like food which is fine by me. He gets all he needs from me anyway.

Today was only the first day so I’m not exactly sire how to feel just yet. Of course, I was a nervous wreck all day, but he adjusted fairly quickly. Actually, there weren’t any adjustments for him. He took to the daycare owner very well.

How did you feel about your child(ren) attending daycare for the first time? Any tips to combat this “mommy worry?”

My Life

I’m a YouTuber

Well, kind of. I quit YouTube a while ago and it was for necessary reasons. Many of my followers are on IG and it seemed better that since IGTV came out, I’d just upload videos there. Now, I’m highly considering going back to YouTube and doing IGTV.

Youtube allows me to edit videos and upload videos longer than 10 minutes. IGTV has too many restrictions for me and sometimes I ramble for 10 minutes before I even get to the good stuff (not really, it just sounded like I should say that).

So if you haven’t subscribed to my YouTube, click on the “videos” tab in the menu. I’m thinking I’ll have a video up by the weekend or over the weekend. Maybe even the beginning of next week. Who knows?

confessions, Vegan Mommy Things

Confessions of a Single Mom #11: I Thought My Son Would Be Ugly

Since I was in elementary, I always thought I was ugly. I always looked in the mirror and felt I was unattractive. It didn’t matter what my parents, friends or boyfriends would say, in my eyes I was ugly, and sometimes I still feel that way today. It stems from me being unhappy with how I look. 

I’ve always been chubby with big breasts and no ass. Boys hit on me all the time, but I was too hell bent on obsessing over trying to make sure my hair was always straight and my stomach was compressed with a silk head scarf. 

As I got older, my confidence continued to dwindle away. To this day, my confidence isn’t where I want it to be, but it’s further along than where it was. During my pregnancy, I stressed about how my son would come out looking. Granted his father is very attractive, I still felt he may have taken my genes. 

Looking at him today, built my confidence. He is the perfect combination of us both, though he’s starting to look a lot more like me. 

I know all of this may sound superficial and shallow, but that security of feeling attractive is something that I struggle with. Yes, I know my son does not determine my attractiveness, nor does he determine how others see me. 

Since turning 30, I’ve realized that regardless of how I feel about my body and my appearance, I’m still easy on the eyes. I look pretty damn good for just having had a baby. My body I can work on to be where I am comfortable being, but this face won’t change (it may get slimmer). 

Despite my insecurities, my son won’t care what I look like because I’m his mother. He’s always going to love me and think I’m beautiful, and that’s all that matters. I do feel guilt for pushing my insecurities off on him and caring about how he looks. In essence, I don’t care. I was just happy he came out healthy and he’s such a happy baby, growing and developing at an exponentially fast rate. How dare I do that to him?

What is something that you are self conscious about, or have you ever felt unattractive? How did you overcome it?