This is Not What I Signed Up For

If you would’ve asked me during my freshman year of college if this is where I thought I would be, I would have said no. My life now is not at all how I dreamed it would be. Before anyone says anything, there is a point, but let’s start with somethings that I think about on a daily basis.

I grew up not wanting kids. I didn’t like kids and didn’t want to be around them. I also grew up not wanting to ever be married. I was never that little girl that dreamed of having a huge wedding, what I would wear and everything else that goes into a wedding. It was no fairytale for me. Still isn’t. I’d be lucky to get passed the texting stage with a man. (I won’t hold my breath.)

Now that I have a son, I’m disappointed in who I chose his father to be and the fact that he won’t grow up in the same household as both of his parents. I don’t want to be with his father (we don’t even get along), but I do want him to grow up in a household with two parents (me + stepfather). I often beat myself up about the decisions I’ve made that led me to being a single mother. I hate that I am and I want to make up for it to my son.

As for my career, never thought I’d be a teacher, but look at me now: excelling at teaching writing to fourth graders. I am an awesome teacher and love what I do, but I don’t see myself retiring as a teacher. I have long term goals to get out of the classroom, but stay in a school as an interventionist, college and career counselor, diagnostician, etc.

I did grow up, however, with the idea that I would be a world reknowned, best-selling author. Of course, it hasn’t happened yet, but I am working on it. I also thought I would be a full-time blogger and YouTuber (that also hasn’t happened yet, but I have been creating revenue, so that’s a start).

I had all of these dreams of where I would be by the time I turned 30, yet, not a single one has happened yet. I say “yet” because I know they will come to fruition, just not on my timeline. Am I happy about where my life is? In all honesty, absolutely not. I’m a single mother, living at home with my mother (grateful for that), swimming out of debt, grinding with side hustles, trying to make sense of life.

On the flip side, I am grateful for where I am right now because it is preparing me for where I am going to be soon. I know what is to come, just not when it is to come. My son will grow up with a boss ass mother, doing boss ass things, setting up his boss ass future. He will never want for anything. All of my dreams are waiting for me to do my part before I can reach them, and I will reach them.

Life will never happen the way that you want it to, ever. I have come to terms with that (it took a long ass time). Life has this funny way of giving you all the things you don’t want, in order to give you the thing you do want, to see if you can handle it. I’m an awesome mother, writer, teacher, blogger, YouTuber, influencer, creator, chef, author, ghostwriter, and person. My life pretty amazing despite my trials and tribulations.

How do you feel about your life right now? Is it at all what you dreamed about when you were growing up? If not, how so?

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.