So yesterday was visitation day with Khai’s dad and of course my anxiety levels rose. I’m at the point now to where my disdain for him is dissipating to tolerable. One day it’ll get to a point to where I just don’t give a damn and oh how I am yearning for that day.
So today he brought with him two little boys. Per usual he didn’t speak when he came in but his wife did. So I asked who the little boys were and he said his “nephews, Malakhai’s cousins.” Now I know people have play nieces and nephews but this didn’t sound like that. Now I’ve met his sister’s (God rest her soul) kids and I know his brother doesn’t have any kids.
So I asked how were they his nephews. He said they’re on his wife’s side. Before I knew it I said, “So they’re not his real cousins.” (I don’t count step cousins as real cousins.) he ignored my statement, but I meant what I said. Call me bitter, but his wife is of no relation to my son and never will be. They can’t be real cousins because she’s not his real mother, she’s not even his mother at all.
I do hope to one day get to a point where I can let the fact of her being around my son and acting like his mother go, but today, right now, in this instance, I can’t. I haven’t reached that level of maturity yet in this coparenting thing. (Still in early stages.) I’ll be damned if another woman tries to step in and take my place. Yes, I know that no one can replace me, but I’ll be damned if I let someone try. You want to be someone’s mother, have your own kids. My son already has a mother and she’s me.
Don’t judge my pettiness. I haven’t started therapy yet. Maybe therapy will sweeten up the bitter taste I have.