Confessions of a Single Mom #11: I Thought My Son Would Be Ugly

Since I was in elementary, I always thought I was ugly. I always looked in the mirror and felt I was unattractive. It didn’t matter what my parents, friends or boyfriends would say, in my eyes I was ugly, and sometimes I still feel that way today. It stems from me being unhappy with how I look. 

I’ve always been chubby with big breasts and no ass. Boys hit on me all the time, but I was too hell bent on obsessing over trying to make sure my hair was always straight and my stomach was compressed with a silk head scarf. 

As I got older, my confidence continued to dwindle away. To this day, my confidence isn’t where I want it to be, but it’s further along than where it was. During my pregnancy, I stressed about how my son would come out looking. Granted his father is very attractive, I still felt he may have taken my genes. 

Looking at him today, built my confidence. He is the perfect combination of us both, though he’s starting to look a lot more like me. 

I know all of this may sound superficial and shallow, but that security of feeling attractive is something that I struggle with. Yes, I know my son does not determine my attractiveness, nor does he determine how others see me. 

Since turning 30, I’ve realized that regardless of how I feel about my body and my appearance, I’m still easy on the eyes. I look pretty damn good for just having had a baby. My body I can work on to be where I am comfortable being, but this face won’t change (it may get slimmer). 

Despite my insecurities, my son won’t care what I look like because I’m his mother. He’s always going to love me and think I’m beautiful, and that’s all that matters. I do feel guilt for pushing my insecurities off on him and caring about how he looks. In essence, I don’t care. I was just happy he came out healthy and he’s such a happy baby, growing and developing at an exponentially fast rate. How dare I do that to him?

What is something that you are self conscious about, or have you ever felt unattractive? How did you overcome it?

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