Fat, Ugly, and Single

 

 

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Well, I’m not really ugly, but being fat makes me feel that way. Now before anyone comes for me, yes, I know I just had a baby 3 months ago and it does take a while to drop the pudge, however, I lost all my baby weight and gained some back, and still gaining. Mother eff!!!!

I’ve been single for a number of years (I won’t disclose the number because it’s embarrassing). Many of those years were by choice because I was going through depression, self loathing, and financial hardships. Basically, ya girl was a hot ass mess. Still somewhat am a mess but not like before. Now with my postpartum body, I’m feeling depressed. Is this considered PPD?

Anyway, I currently lack motivation to consistently workout. I’ll go for 3 days and then stop for a week. Then do it again. It’s like a never ending cycle. I want to lose the weight before school starts and it’s doable. I have a whole 5 weeks before school starts and would love to lose 20 lbs. Is that doable? Beats me. I’ve never been on a weight lose journey and stuck to it so who knows?

Being single has its ups and downs. Some days I want someone to go out with and take my son  and be a family. Other days I’m good with just Khai and me. It flip flops. Do I get lonely? No, but I do miss male attention and affection.

I always feel inferior to these women on social media who have the kind of body I want. They’re not necessarily skinny but their bodies are my body goals, just I want my body to be on a bit of a larger scale. Basically I want everything to stay the same but have the tummy of these women. Yes, I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to these women and that a man will love me the way I am, however, I’m not wanting this for a man. I want it for me. I want to feel good based off of looking good.

I’ve always had body issues and then I evenetually got over them. Now that I have a child, I’m back to those same insecurities and I know this weight is due to growing a mini me, but it’s also due to stress eating. My diet is the other part. Yes, I’m vegan but you can be a fat vegan and unhealthy. I eat all the processed foods that I shouldn’t eat and I don’t cook like I used to. However, I need to get back to doing that before school starts or I’m shit out of luck.

Going back to work and doing all that walking will help shed the weight, but I have to have the diet to match. Starting tomorrow, no soy, severely limited vegan alternatives (less processed and soy free), lots more veggies and fruits, more smoothies, more exercise (yoga especially), and more getting my body right for myself and to be around for Khai.

As for the single part, I used to think that if I looked like these women on social media, I’d no longer be single. But hell majority of the women I want to look like are single. These gorgeous, beautiful women are living their best life and single and they’re all in their early 30s like me (well I’m not actually in my 30s but I will be in October).

Before you say, “Oh you’re still young, take your time, don’t rush,” that’s all cool and I actually agree with you. I’m barely 30 and have a lot of living to do. Why should I let the longing for a relationship overpower what all I want to do? I want to show Khai the world and be an awesome mom and have my dream career. Now granted, yes I know you can do all of that and be in a relationship, but I want it to just be me and Khai for right now.

Will the feeling of wanting to be in a relationship go away? Not likely, but I’m learning to be okay with it. Will I look like those women on social media? Not likely, but I’ll continue working on falling in love with myself and wanting to look like myself. Do I consider myself drop dead gorgeous? On a good day, yes, but most times no. I do believe I’m beautiful in my own way and I know there’s a man who will love me just for that.

Do you have insecurities in your singleness? If so, what are they and how do you plan to overcome them?

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6 comments

  1. I should add that I completely gave up on my vegan train as a result of a bad NARCISSISTIC relationship and depression and a whirlwind of other things within the last year. I get depressed about the vegan thing a lot but I know I’ll fall back into it slowly. Most days I love my body but there’s also a lot days where I’m just like f&$@ this spare tire of a tummy!! You’re beautiful and I remember how I felt in my postpartum stage afte my last, I gained a whopping 60lbs during my pregnancy (almost 9lbs was all baby). It wasn’t until her father was murdered and I refused to eat for the entire summer that the weight really came off (8/9 months postpartum). I’d say just be very careful not to be too hard on yourself. It takes a while to get used to your postpartum body but look at it as a trophy… you gave life and that body is reminder of your baby blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My body is most certainly a trophy, you’re right about that. My son is my everything. It’s just those old mental thoughts about my body are coming back. I’ve been so confident in my body over the past 10 years and now, idk. I try not to be hard on myself but looking in the mirror now, I don’t feel confident anymore. Lol @ “spare tire of a tummy”. I feel that. I’m sorry about your daughters father and I know how traumatic experiences can cause us not to eat. It’s like going through trauma is the easiest way to lose/gain weight fairly quickly.

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  2. I’d say I’m somewhat insecure about being single, especially after having two kids. However, I have days where I’m just like screw that, I’m staying single until my girls are grown. It’s a constant teeter-totter with My likings/dislikings of being single. I’m only 26 and like you mentioned, I realize I am still young. A part of me tries to convince myself that I shouldn’t or don’t deserve a relationship because I have so much getting together of myself to do. On the other hand I feel like I could manager that AND a relationship if the right person came along. It just gets old having no one to kick it with other than my family and girlfriends. I love them but it’d be nice to have someone for myself. I know that I’m far from ready for a marriage but I long to date someone in the “old fashion” way. Like I don’t wanna get all crazy and the next thing you know we’re living together and miserable or doing married couple things and we’re no where close to an engagement. Been there done that and I’m damn sure not going down that road again. As for over coming, I’ve just come to grips with knowing my worth and slowly learning the power of patience. I assume a strong black king will fall out of the sky when god is good and ready to drop him into my life. Kinda have an #idgaf attitude with love and relationships these days.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s exactly how I feel a out relationships, minus the waiting until my son is grown part. God has two black Kings waiting for us. We just aren’t quite ready in His eyes for them yet.

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  3. I completely understand what you’re going through and I’d just like to add that all of your feelings are valid. You have the right to feel them and i think you’re doing a beautiful job of not just sitting in them. You’re working through them, and that’s what matters. I’ve had body envy and still do. It’s only natural.

    Being single doesn’t feel good. It’s been a year and a half for me, but I’m open now more than ever. Doing this type of work and reflection that you’re doing is necessary for us and our partners.

    So, keep doing it. You’re loved and perfect as you are and you’ll only get better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Chrys! I’ve been feeling so depressed and not like myself. And I’m working through it and journaling and trying to be consistent in everything I do. It’s just hard sometimes. As for a relationship, I know I am not in the space to be with someone. I feel I’m ready but I’m not. I have so much work to do on myself and being with someone would be toxic right now. That’s why I’m so excited about this journaling challenge. I still have some growing to do and getting through these postpartum feelings.

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